How love languages have helped couples over the past 30 years.
It's a well-established therapeutic strategy for helping couples understand each other, but social media has given the concept of "love languages" a significant boost.
My boyfriend and I recently had a check-in. He expressed concern that I had become complacent regarding physical intimacy. I reacted angrily to the accusation, but I kept my lips shut, largely because he was correct. To be honest, this isn't the first time I've been given relationship advice. My factory setting for tactile touch is "awkward." But I'm good at small, considerate gestures.
I put prepared a care package for my boyfriend two weeks ago so that when he got home from work after a 10-hour drive, he'd find a bag of licorice, a pack of incense, and a bottled lemonade - all things he adores - on the kitchen table.
This modest display of devotion was not worthy of a song, yet that is how I spontaneously convey affection. "Love language" has become a popular word on social media to describe the numerous ways that people express and accept love. It's now considered with the same reverence as a clinical diagnosis, but should it be? Is the gap between myself and my partner a deal breaker? And why do we keep using love language as an indicator of compatibility and a healthy relationship? Affirmation, acts of service, getting presents, quality time, and physical touch is all examples of affirmation.
The book, initially published in 1992, contends that his theory of romantic misunderstanding can explain many relationship issues and that two individuals may express love to one another using different "languages," resulting in their struggle to comprehend one another.
"Understanding your love language allows you to ask for what you need and vice versa," he explains. My love language, according to his idea, is acts of service, whereas my partner is physical touch. "Love language" is now more popular than ever and is only growing in popularity. TikTok and social media are key drivers of this, and the phrase has 2 billion views, with viral videos claiming to offer you analysis, such as "What your love language says about you." His concept has also been expanded to be used as a marker of compatibility.
Chapman intended it as a tool to understand and respond to a partner's needs, but it's now typical for friends or internet voices to claim that different love languages indicate a major issue between couples. Just listen to Audrey Income, Tolani Shoneye, and Milena Sanchez's highly popular The Receipts podcast.
Most female listeners send agony aunt-style concerns, such as not feeling valued or appreciated in a specific way by their husbands. It's usual for the trio to propose that the couple is mismatched because of their love language preferences.
The suggestion is that we are all stuck in these modes, almost as if it were a diagnosis. How did love language come to be so revered when there is no research to back it up other than Chapman's observations as a church counselor and the couples who sought his assistance?
Despite Chapman's educational background in anthropology and adult education, Moody Publishers, a nonprofit Christian publishing company, reports that the book has sold 20 million copies (including print, ebook, and audio editions).
The original popularity of The Five Love Languages was based on Christian bookstore sales, but a relaunch more than a decade later promoted the subject to a wider audience. Simone Bose, a Relate counselor, tells me that she uses the idea "very frequently" with her clients, in addition to psychodynamic approaches.
"A common thread among many couples is that they feel alienated, unheard, or misunderstood," she explains. It's perfect for couples who've been together slightly longer since they can start to detach and cease "expressing love and gratitude to each other in the way the other person needs".
However, according to Bose, love languages change over time, especially after major life events like having a child, when acts of service become more essential. William Chopik, an associate professor of social-personality psychology at Michigan State University, explores how people change over time in relationships. He believes that the science behind love languages is inadequate.
"There haven't been a lot of really significant examinations into love languages," he says, and he is concerned when individuals base their lives life on the premise. "It's a little frightening how popular it is." So, what is scientifically supported in terms of healthy love relationships? Professor Chopik is referring to an investment approach that is based on three fundamental variables. "The first is whether you are satisfied: do you enjoy your relationship?"
The next step is an investment: have you invested much in your relationship? Have you been dating for ten years? Do you have children together? Do you have joint bank accounts? Finally, consider the quality of your alternatives: "Do you have other possibilities or believe you could jump ship to someone better?" The investment strategy isn't "very romantic," as Chopik jokes. However, experts have labeled another scientific idea known as "perceived partner response" as the "bedrock" of intimacy.
Anyone who has used dating apps realizes how tough it is to find someone they like. But what is it that makes us favor names and relationship theories over intuition? According to Chopic, our interest in and fixation with love languages stem from our concern with obtaining feedback about ourselves. We love to discover who we are, much like the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs personality tests, which are also poor in science, or a "Which Star Wars character are you?" Buzzfeed quiz.
"Labels give us incredibly short answers about the world and ourselves," he explains. "So if someone told you I'm a quality-time guy, that title comes with a million other things tied to it." "And now you think you know a lot about me as a person."
People aren't as varied as these models portray, according to Chopic; we don't differ by kind but by degree. According to a 2006 study, the assumption that people have five unique love languages is difficult to establish. Still, it is more plausible that humans utilize all of them at varying levels. Maybe I'm not as affectionate as my partner, but that's okay.
My boyfriend and I are more in sync than ever since our heart-to-heart about what we thought we were lacking, Since I took what he said to heart and dialed up the affection. I can't dispute that Chapman's love language theory provided a valuable foundation for discussing our connection. Love language, according to Bose, is "a terrific method for couples to be able to break down their wants into how they want to be loved," since it provides the words to express their wishes.
Labels, like love languages, can be useful in pointing out an issue to work on, but they can also be restrictive. I'm not stuck in my love language, and I don't want to be. The goal is to provide a range of care, whether it's a hug. Listening to ears as they scream about something or a Kinder egg with a lovely toy inside. So that a partner feels their needs are addressed at various times and in various ways. That, I believe, is more sincere than a label.
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